Guilt Get Gone

I started this blog for catharsis, among other reasons. An interesting side effect, and one I wasn’t expecting, is guilt. I particularly experienced this during the One Last Hurrah series of posts. The guilt itself is nothing new to me, but I felt this particular instance of it worthy of examination.

In our culture, it is quite common for us to feel guilt when eating things we know we shouldn’t, but that we nonetheless enjoy. We feel guilty because we’re indulging in a luxury, we feel guilty because we’re indulging to excess, or we feel guilty because we know that indulging in that irresistible something will negatively affect our health. Sometimes, we feel guilty for all three of these reasons at the same time. I’m all too familiar with that guilt layered upon guilt.

As I said, this is nothing new to me. Actually, it’s further compounded by the guilt I feel for caving into my cravings. I guess that might be called an addict’s guilt.

But this new guilt that’s related to my blogging is different. It’s one thing to keep all of my other guilt contained in my own head—to know that I have little to no willpower, to know that I made bad choices, to know that I fucked up, to know that I failed. It’s something entirely different to plaster it all over the internet for the world to see. And doing that is apparently guilt-inducing and a little embarrassing. Introducing myself in the initial entry and telling the world that I have a problem, surprisingly, did not bother me. But talking about the foods I was eating at restaurants during my One Last Hurrah did, because I knew that those foods and those portions were unhealthy. I felt like I would be judged. And that bothered me.

But I refuse to own that guilt.

Hi. My name is Katt, and I have a problem with food.

Of course I’m going to be exposing my unhealthy food choices. Duh. I knew that. Why am I embarrassed about it now?

Unabashed transparency is part of my goal for this blog, at least when it comes to my own successes and failures. (Sorry, I won’t be giving out the name or location of my surgeon’s office.) I’ve been living with these shadows my entire life. I want to get them out into the light of the rest of the world, to expose them for what they are in the hopes that, in doing so, I can finally purge them from my life.

So yes. I do feel guilty about my poor choices. I do feel embarrassed to be revealing those poor choices to the rest of the world. But I would think, given the nature of this blog, that the fact that I’ve made poor choices was sort of a gimme.

Hi. My name is Katt, and I have a problem with food.

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4 thoughts on “Guilt Get Gone

  1. coemaria says:

    I also have a problem with food. I am so glad you are sharing. It’s hard, but a very necessary step. *hugs*

  2. […] is that beating yourself up over a failed diet is not only pointless, it’s not constructive. Where does the guilt get you? Nothing good. Does it inspire you to try harder? If you’re anything like me, the only thing […]

  3. […] but disdain for the fat chick who really didn’t need all those calories and salt? Hell, I’ve even been embarrassed about my food choices on my own blog. So it was interesting to connect those particular dots and illustrate how my sister and I had that […]

  4. […] and shame (“I’ve failed again—I’m a terrible person.”). I’ve dealt with trying to negate the guilt whenever it wasn’t constructive guilt, but the guilt and the shame […]

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