Gray Day

According to the internet, it is currently a balmy 25° in Indianapolis, with the wind gusting between 17 and 35 miles per hour. The sky is overcast and full of big, slow-moving clouds that are, unsurprisingly, dropping a light but steady amount of flurries on the city. In other words, here in the Crossroads of America, it is cold, gloomy, and nasty outside.

I have had a fairly average day working at a job I don’t much care for, which is to say that my day at work was…less than fulfilling. I come home to find that the house, for some reason, smells of pancakes. This does nothing to assuage the craving I already have for donuts that was spawned by the fact that I dislike my job and am having poor luck finding anything else. We have pancake mix in the cabinet…but during this time before surgery, carbs are a big no-no for me.

I normally don’t like to write posts that are all doom and gloom. Even when I’m talking about things as serious as addiction, I do at least try to end on a hopeful or positive note. But this journey has its share of low points, and today I find myself wandering around in one.

Today is not a good day for me emotionally. It’s not the worst, and I know it will pass, but right now, all I want is something sweet. I’m especially in the mood for any sort of pastry, which doesn’t surprise me. Pastries are my drugs of choice.

I keep asking myself if this is all really worth it. I mean, my eating habits are going to change after surgery. Permanently. I will no longer be able to eat many of my favorite foods for one reason or another, especially if I actually want to lose weight. But every time I think that, I find myself asking if the alternative is worth any more than the status quo. Emotionally…yes. Yes it is. But even in that sea of addiction-driven certainty, there’s a small island where a tiny part of myself waits and says, “No”. I’m trying–desperately–to hear that inner voice clearer. I’m trying to ignore the larger part of me that’s hurting because of some injury I don’t quite understand, wailing for the chance to slip back into the deeps and forget for a little while. It’s not easy to have an itch you can’t scratch.

My husband is bringing me home some sugar free popsicles tonight when he leaves work. They are on my doctor-approved list of things to eat and I think I’m more than ready from them. In the meantime…

…I think it’s time for a shower.

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3 thoughts on “Gray Day

  1. coemaria says:

    I feel your pain. I am so sorry this is so hard. I am very proud of you for being so brave in facing this. Food is one of the hardest addictions to deal with in my opinion. You can make it. Just keep reaching out to everyone who knows and loves you. We do love you.

  2. […] but that it was more because it’s like opening Pandora’s Box. I think I managed to do ok with that. So I excused myself from work for twenty minutes, drove down the street, and bought one of those […]

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