I’d had another check-in with my surgeon, so it is once again that time. This is actually a bit late this month—sorry.
Weight on day of surgery: 239.2 lbs
Weight last month: 168.4 lbs
Weight today: 170.0
Total lost: 70.8
Those numbers could be better. To say that I’m disappointed in myself would be an accurate way to describe my feelings…but I do also sort of feel as though maybe I’m being a bit hard on myself. It was the holidays—but then maybe that’s just the addiction talking.
In any case, there were other things I wanted to talk about today than my most recent post-op visit. I had intended to write this post sooner, but late is indeed better than never. So, Christmas.
December what a bit of a nightmare for me. I don’t know what it was. I don’t know if it was the fact that the holidays made a convenient excuse, or the fact that seasonal candies made a convenient excuse, or if Seasonal Affective Disorder just makes me want to eat all the things, or a combination of those and other factors, but I just could not behave myself when it came to food. My weight is thankfully still right around where it was in November, which means that I at least haven’t gained anything over that. But still. I can’t help but think that if I’d have eaten less junk, I might have gotten closer to my ultimate long-term weight goal.
I was, however, successful in not stuffing myself to an uncomfortable level at Christmas dinner, which is most definitely a win. On New Year’s Eve, I had more junk than I should have, but that was, as I’ve said, just the way December went. Writing this entry has actually brought some focus to the fact that this is a whole new month, and the cycles of last month do not necessarily need to carry over. There’s something to think about.
But yes, I have been having a lot of trouble with my portion control lately. And it’s not just with the sweet stuff, either. It’s with everything. I know how to solve that problem—I need to slow down when I’m eating, and be stricter about stopping when I feel full. I just get so tired of having to maintain that diligence, that alertness, that self-awareness. And this weariness is not new. It’s part of the reason why dieting never worked for me. But I really no longer have the option of just throwing caution to the wind—I have to start being more careful, or I could hurt myself. I just feel like I’m constantly in some sort of frenzy, and so it’s difficult to pay attention. …have I mentioned lately that I don’t deal with stress well? (I am currently wending my way through multiple stressful projects and situations, so finding the brain power to focus that much energy on eating properly is very difficult for me.)
I really must look into speaking with a professional about my food problems. I am not confident that anything productive will come of it at this particular point in time—I attempted to see a therapist a couple of years ago for different issues and ended up getting a bit screwed financially because of my insurance company—but as I often say, one never knows without asking.
Also, while visiting my doctor this month, I asked about additional supplements to take for my hair. Hair loss is a common thing for LAP-Band patients, and in that respect, I am quite the norm. And that is perhaps the thing that upsets me the most about this new life. My hair is very important to me. To list all of the reasons why would take much longer than I think any of you want to read; to articulate all of the ways in which it is important to me would be impossible. So I’ve been very, very upset, actually, these last few months, because, while some of the hair has grown back, it is noticeably thinner and somehow lacking. What hair I do have seems to still be pretty healthy, but I am nevertheless very concerned that it isn’t what it was prior to surgery. So I wanted to see if my doctor could recommend some additional supplements that could be beneficial to the growth and health of my hair.
He did give me the name of a supplement to try. I have not yet bought any because I’m waiting on some blood test results. Yeah—they actually drew blood to check the levels of various things in my system, because my doctor suspects there’s something off nutritionally that is perhaps beyond the norm. I’m…not really keeping my hopes up, but I’m finding it more difficult to remain positive lately, just in general. That’s SAD for you.
Anyway, I am keeping my fingers crossed that we can get this sorted out sooner rather than later. I feel like a part of myself is missing, and honestly…at times it’s enough to make me regret having had the surgery. At times.
Until I have answers, I’m just trying to keep my hair up so that it doesn’t bother me as much, and am actually considering a drastic haircut, which if you know me personally, should really tell you something.
In the meantime, this month I will leave you with not one, but two photos. The first is the original photo of myself that I posted in November of 2012. The second is this month’s progress photo, taken in a manner similar to that original photo, for the sake of comparison. No, I am not above posting pictures of myself in my underwear on the internet—as I’ve said, I’m not wearing any less fabric than I would be in certain kinds of bathing suits.
But so this is the difference a year (and bariatric surgery) can make. …putting this together was quite the experience.
Because everyone wears bathing suits in Indianapolis in January. Right?