Chasing the Wagon

I generally hate the phrase, “falling off the wagon”, but what the hell, we’ll use it this once.

I’m not exactly sure when the fall happened. The way most people talk about it makes it seem like there should have been a definitive moment to which I could point and say, “There–there is where I lost my footing, there is where the positive habits I’d built up were erased”. But I’m finding that it’s not so cut-and-dry. …and yes, it’s entirely possible that that is due to my own denial. Even writing this, I don’t want to admit that I’m as far outside of the scope of what I should be doing as I am. But I am forced to, and, despite not wanting to admit it, I’m happy that I am.

I weigh myself every Saturday. In November–so, three-ish months ago, at this point–I weighed around 164 pounds. This morning, I awoke and climbed on the scale, and discovered I am now back up to 175 pounds. I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself–I’m high-strung to begin with, and am currently working on a project that’s just a little stressful, so I’ve been trying to coach myself to not stress out too much about anything, including things that are weight- and food-related.

But that ends now, at least for anything food-related, anxiety issues be damned. I have not come this far only to backslide. Vigilance is the price I pay for feeling better, both in general, and about myself. I need to not only be aware of my food intake, but I also need to be aware that “vigilance” and “guilt” are not synonymous–it is possible for me to be vigilant without beating myself up for making bad choices.

So now it is time to try and find my way back to those good habits. I (literally, it’s been so long) dusted off my food journal this morning, which I haven’t been using in part due to laziness, and in part because, for some foods, it’s difficult to know how many calories I’m actually ingesting. So, for that latter reason, keeping a food journal seems somewhat pointless. But there is a point to it, I must remind myself, and that point is awareness, conscientiousness, and vigilance.

So no, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I (once again) started caring more about my next fix than my own health. But I can say that as of this morning, I am tired of the excuses and the willful ignorance, and I am no longer going to accept either. There are better ways to deal with stress than food, and there will always be a stressor in my life that makes me want to eat. I accept that fact. But I rebel against the urge to succumb.

My one-year anniversary is this coming Thursday.


6 thoughts on “Chasing the Wagon

  1. Debbie G. says:

    Hey… relapses/backslides/wagon-falloffs… whatever you want to call them, they happen. They’re a normal human thing. You can’t kick yourself for the thing that happened… just pick yourself up, refocus on the goal, and start moving in that direction again. Sounds like that’s what you’re doing, which I think is all part of learning a new and healthy way to relate to food. Those little slips will let you remember “Oh, yeah, this is the thing I’m not supposed to do any more, and this is how that feels (and what triggers it).” So just remember to celebrate the move back in the right direction more than you kick yourself for the move in the wrong direction, and eventually it will all be a new habit.

    That said, I’ve picked up about 10 pounds again over the winter, and just found a new work-out buddy today so I can start going and working out at the fire department a couple of days a week. For me, it’s more about needing to get moving (and the complete lack of movement while the world has been covered in ice), so hopefully this will be my own opportunity to practice what I preach. πŸ˜€

    • Astrid says:

      …I don’t even know where to begin, other than to say, “Wow!” Thank you so much for your support! I do beat myself up too much, but…the last two days have been REALLY good (because YES, Self, the food journaling helps), and while I have berated myself time and again for doing what I shouldn’t, I do feel VERY proud for how my last two days have gone. We’re gonna see if we can get that number to three πŸ˜€ I am mostly trying to focus on going one meal at a time (as opposed to one day at a time). So far, so good : )

      As for the snow, I hear you loud and clear! I haven’t been able to go for a walk in MONTHS, and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t wait until it’s warm and defrosted enough that I can finally get out and do that again. In the meantime, there is bellydance class :3

      Good luck getting rid of those ten pounds! I’m looking to lose another fifteen, at least to start. And I know it’s only been two days since I started trying to build my good habits back up, but…this morning I got up and I think I already look slightly different o,o So here’s to trying : )

      • Debbie G. says:

        Heh… I’ve got way more than that 10 to lose, but at least getting back to where I was before the ice age began will be a start. πŸ˜€ And I hear ya on the lack of walks! I’m looking forward to just being able to take out the trash in the morning without risking life and limb (long driveway is long… especially when ice-covered).

        The food journaling definitely helps me, and I need to get back on that, too. I think I’ve tried all the food-logging apps and MyFitnessPal has definitely been the one that works best for me. I have a Fitbit, and the Fitbit site links to MFP to track exercise, which is really nice too. Now if I could just find the charging cable so I could get the dead Fitbit back to a useful state… πŸ˜€

      • Astrid says:

        I would ultimately like to lose another forty-five pounds myself, but I figure 15 is a good short-term goal. I find the bigger goals are easier to reach if you set shorted goals as milestones. Then you get to feel all productive and give yourself a pat on the back when you reach them : )

        I look forward to trying MFP!

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