That Update I’ve Been Meaning to Make

I intended, following my check-in with my general practitioner, to post an update regarding my anxiety meds. Then I was generally busy, and then I was sick, so I’ve been putting off a lot of things that I intended to do.

But now that I’m feeling humanoid again, here’s that update I’ve been meaning to make!

The meds seem to be working pretty well. It was, at most, maybe two weeks before I was able to mentally compile a to-do list for the following day while on my way to bed and then not lay there awake for hours stressing out about everything on that list. And the days on which I wake up already feeling overwhelmed and run-down are now much fewer in number. I am once again able to do the things that I need to do without freaking out about having to do them, and the things I want to do without finding them pointless and joyless.

I will still occasionally have the off day. But it seems as though now, instead of spending my entire day anxious and depressed, convinced that no one loves me and everything is pointless, and oh, why couldn’t I have been better about this or that?—I will instead spend a few hours feeling this way a few times a week. These emotions are much less acute and frequent, and they dissipate much more quickly.

And I finally had the energy and mental wherewithal to get back into portioning and journaling my meals.

…and then Thanksgiving happened, and, well, y’know. But I know that once I shake this bloody cold—which has been a hungry virus, let me tell you—I will once again have that ability, that patience, that strength, to stand against those inner voices that tell me I should be eating constantly, and tell them that no, I really shouldn’t.

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that I’m still not dealing with the underlying problems, because I don’t know how to, or even what they are.

The bad news is that I was, around the time of my band’s last show of the year, so generally anxious that if I didn’t have a stuffed animal in my hands to cuddle at all times, oh dear god, I might start crying at any minute. I was a raw nerve around people and all I wanted to do was get away from them. (Naturally, my band’s last show of the year was at a convention, so that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.) This is a Very Bad Thing because it means that my band is probably my greatest source of stress—which I knew, but if engaging in related activities stresses me out to the point of practically being unable to function, well, that’s kind of a problem

Thankfully, I think the actual performance went quite well. It’s the lead-up time to actually getting on stage at an event that makes me get really twitchy.

And the last of the bad news is…

The medication I’m on has as a possible side-effect for women increased difficulty climaxing…

…which is really ironic for a medication that’s being taken to help with anxiety…

…and naturally, I would be one of the patients experiencing that side-effect.

Sigh.

But my doctor says I should only plan to be on this medication for six to eight months. …of course, I’m not confident that I won’t need to get back on it shortly after I stop taking it since, as I said, I currently have no way to deal with the underlying issues, but…yeah.

In the meantime, at least I can function. I can do chores (when I’m not sick with the plague) again. I can enjoy sewing and crafting again. And maybe—just maybe—I can get back into songwriting when I’m done being sick and riding the roller coaster that is The Holidays.

Speaking of which, my next check-in with my bariatric surgeon isn’t until January. So unless I have something to say between now and then, this is the last you’ll hear of me until 2015.

I hope all of you have a safe and wonderful end of December, and that whatever holiday you celebrate, if any, is all that you want and need it to be.

And happy New Year. Maybe set some goals for that new beginning, if you’re into that sort of thing. Not “resolutions”—goals. After all, we only get to start 2015 once.

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