Status Update #16…Sort Of

My last check-in was actually a couple of weeks ago now. I’ve been meaning to sit down and write the usual blog update about it, but instead, I’ve been lax in doing so. Now, where to start.

Firstly, my weight is, according to my doctor’s scale, a little over 190 pounds again. According to my scale at home, it’s still a couple of pounds under. I tend to feel that my at-home weigh-ins are more accurate, as they are done without the weight added by breakfast and clothing, but the metrics from my surgeon’s office scale are what I’ve been reporting in all of these status updates.

With regards to the last couple of weeks…

I used to wish for a nervous breakdown. It seemed like it would be a cathartic release rather than a quagmire of emotion with no definitive beginning and an even more poorly defined termination point. Now that I’ve actually had one…I think I could really have done without.

No, this isn’t a recent thing. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, actually, and realized that the point at which I was in October, right before I started my anti-anxiety medication, probably qualifies as a bona fide nervous breakdown. I couldn’t sleep. I was doing a lot of stress eating. I couldn’t think about housework or my own music without wanting to run and hide in a corner and just cry and cry and cry. Social interactions frazzled me. Being alone left me feeling anxious and depressed. I was a raw nerve, and effectively useless. I have no idea how I managed to finish out the end of my band’s tour, to be honest.

So…yeah. That happened.

By contrast, I’m much better now. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but at least I’m not as bad as I was.

I’ve started therapy. I’ve had only a handful of sessions thus far, so my therapist and I are still getting to know each other a bit. But I’m hoping it will help.

Otherwise, I invite you to read these two articles to get a glimpse of the muck that’s swirling around in my head right now. I find it difficult to be even half this elegant about my own experiences, but these articles are pretty close to some of what I’ve been going through.

11 Habits of People With Concealed Depression

9 things I wish people understood about anxiety

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Determining it’s Time for an Adjustment

Everyone’s body is different. Some people have ridiculously high metabolisms—they can eat well over the suggested 2,000 calorie daily limit and not gain an ounce. Some people do just fine with that 2,000 daily limit. With that number and a reasonable amount of physical activity, they maintain a healthy weight and/or comfortable weight for their body type and personal preferences.

Then there’s me. When I eat around 2,000 calories a day, I gain weight. My body doesn’t seem to want to lose weight until I’m eating around 1,200 calories a day. Before surgery, there was no way in hell I could have eaten that little every day. Eating disorder aside, I would have been too physically hungry to maintain those portion sizes.

In the last few months, I’ve had between 1,700 and 2,200 calories a day, on average, give or take. And now I’m back over 180 pounds. Some of my clothes are beginning to fit poorly. I’ve noticed that going up stairs and just general movement is becoming less comfortable or me, and more awkward. As my husband said the other day, I was walking in a straight line, there just happened to be a wall in the way of the route of that straight line…

So I need to begin eating smaller portion sizes in order to return to a weight that is more comfortable to me. But I know from tracking my intake that I can’t currently eat portions that small. I’m just too physically hungry for that. Which means it’s time for another adjustment.

As my surgeon says, the Band is a tool. This sort of situation is what it’s there for.

Though that being said, I was dreading when I might have to do this again. It takes about a week for me to be back to eating solid food again after every adjustment, and I get a little twitchy from the hunger in the meantime. And there’s only so much Ensure a person can drink…

I know that it will be worth it in the long run. It’s just the short-term discomfort that I’m not looking forward to.

My body seems to go in this cycle. I’ll have an adjustment and deal with the hunger while my stomach calms down. Then there will be a period during which it’s still not too sure about a lot of things and I have to be really careful. Then my stomach gets used to this idea again, and I become able to eat more than it feels like I should be able to.

I’m in that latter most phase right now. And as usually happens during this phase, I’ve put on some weight.

My next visit to my surgeon’s office is in mid-January. I’ll ask about getting an adjustment and, as always, post an update on how it goes.

Putting Things in Perspective

So by now anyone reading should know that I have some issues with willpower when it comes to food. …normally that sentence would contain at least one link to a relevant blog entry, but there were so many to reference that I just left it out. But really, if you’ve read even one of my last few entries, you should be up to speed on that aspect of my personality.

The reason why, in this particular entry, that information is pertinent, is because this summer has been…decently terrible as far as my willpower is concerned. My weight is still below 170 pounds, thankfully, but I was so close to 160 at one point. Yes, it’s only a difference of about ten pounds. But my body shows even five pounds gained or lost. The joys of my individual body type.

I hate to say this but, well…I’ve been feeling fat. I find myself back in that cycle of wanting junk foods and eating them while in some weird state of denial that surely I’ll be fine later, and then feeling like a failure and all-around horrible human being after the denial and endorphin high wear off. To say that I didn’t miss this would be putting it mildly at best.

I guess as far as my weight is concerned, I’ve been doing somewhat well thus far, all things considered. But this 160-170 pound neighborhood in which I currently find myself is becoming my new baseline, and thus, putting on even a few pounds because of poor eating habits makes me feel pretty bad about myself. I’m trying to get my eating habits back on track, but it’s not easy.

So I’ve been trying to keep in mind these photos:

Status Update #9

From Status Update #9.

The photo on the right was taken when I weighed only about two more pounds than I currently do. I know there is a remarkable difference between the photo on the left, taken before surgery, and the right hand photo. It’s an amazing record of how far I’ve really come. So as I’ve been hating myself for gaining five pounds, I’ve been trying to put things into perspective. I’m not sure it’s helping, honestly.

And I’ve been trying to keep in mind how much better I feel in the long-term when I don’t give into temptation and when my weight is around the 160 mark. That’s unfortunately pretty difficult when my brain is screaming at me for short-term gratification.

I think one thing that’s been weighing on my mind a lot lately and adding to this overall feeling of “fat” is my stomach. The loose skin is really starting to bother me, and there’s no way to do anything about it without further surgery. Which I can’t afford. …I’ve never wanted to crowdfund something in my entire life, but no way in hell is that happening.

My food and body issues have been weighing on my mind a lot lately. Enough so, in fact, that I finally looked into psychiatric help for dealing with them. But my insurance will only cover 80% of the bill after I have paid my yearly deductible (which I haven’t yet), and before that, naturally, it would be entirely out of pocket. While 80% is a nice high number, the remaining 20% is beyond my means. Not to mention the 100% I would need to pay out of pocket before my deductible was paid off.

So I’m feeling a little stuck in a couple of different ways. I hate being aware of a problem but lacking the ability to do anything to fix it.

About the only positive body-related thing I have to report today is that my hair seems to finally be making a comeback. Hair fall is a natural part of a weight loss surgery patient’s post-op life, and over the course of the last year and a half, my hair has thinned by a noticeable amount. Even the strands themselves seemed less thick than they had been prior to surgery. But I’ve noticed recently that my hair is feeling and looking thicker and fuller again. I was beginning to worry that would never happen, so it makes me very happy that that doesn’t seem to be the case.

…though that happiness is somewhat tempered by my current dismal feelings concerning the rest of my body. Before I had surgery, I typically felt that my only genuinely attractive feature was my hair. My brain seems to be trying to wriggle itself back into that old, familiar mindset. And I’m trying to prevent it from going there. We’ll see how successful I manage to be.

In the meantime, I think I could use a boost. What positive things are going on in your lives that you might be willing to share, readers?

Status Update #12

Greetings, gentle readers! It’s been around two months since my last Status Update, and boy do I have some things to share. So settle back and prepare for lots of words coming at your face.

First off, as always, the usual progress report.

Weight on day of surgery: 239.2 lbs
Weight last month: 166.4 lbs
Weight today: 164.6
Total lost: 74.6

Woo! I got my 75 Pounds Lost pin today from my surgeon. By their measurements I’m still .4 pounds away from truly hitting the 75 mark, but sheesh. Close enough. Besides which, my scale told me I was 162 this morning, so I think it works either way.

75 pounds lost

*achievement unlocked*

I am, as you may surmise, rather pleased with myself and my progress. I know I’ve said in the past that my goal was to get down to 130 pounds, but honestly? I’m pretty happy in the 160 – 165 range. I feel comfortable, I feel attractive, I don’t feel inordinately fatigued upon exertion, life is good. The only thing I’m actively unhappy about these days is the loose skin around my midsection that’s giving me some tummy rolls. Sadly, those aren’t likely to go away without some surgery, and that’s not in my budget (to put it mildly). But overall I’m very happy with the results of this crazy thing I did to myself a year ago February, which is an awesome thing to be able to say.

I’m a little surprised that I’ve reached this latest milestone, though, because May was not the greatest month on record. It’s not every menses that makes me want to eat all the chocolate in the world, but last month’s did, and for up to a week on either end of my cycle to boot. Hooray ladybits?

I’ve also been experiencing some difficulty with anxiety management, which is a thing I frequently struggle with, and a very large trigger for bad eating habits. But I’ve been trying, and that really is an important thing. It’s so tempting to just give up and/or in for at least a little while, but dancing on that particular slippery slope is a Bad Idea.

So there’s one milestone! And this is my 80th post on this blog. Another milestone! The next milestone involves my wedding bands.

I took them to the jeweler today, because I have finally determined that it’s time to get them re-sized. I’m not expecting to lose much more weight, and certainly not enough from my fingers for it to make much of a difference. And dammit, I miss those rings. It’s been almost a year since I’ve been able to wear them.

But there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that my wedding band, which is a simple ring with no settings, can be re-sized very easily. The jeweler is even doing it free of charge, since we bought it from them.

But the bad news is that my engagement ring cannot be resized due to the nature of the setting and the drastic change in sizes.

My engagement ring

This is what it looks like, for those unfamiliar. And it’s garnet and black spinel, in case you’re wondering. (Can you tell I get asked that a lot?)

The ring is currently a size seven. My finger is down to a size five. So it’s likely that resizing it will cause the side stones to pop out pretty frequently.

I wasn’t surprised by this news. I was actually expecting this to happen. So while it’s unfortunate, at least I wasn’t completely blindsided by it.

The jeweler does have the capacity to do custom work, so they could completely remake the ring…but we can’t afford that. So at this point, I’m not sure what’s going to happen as far as this ring is concerned. I will at least be able to wear the super-important wedding band again, but the husband and I will have to discuss what we want to do about the engagement ring.

The last thing I wanted to add to this entry is something about which I am giddily excited. I have always loved corsets. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 2006 or 2007, I learned how to make them myself. And I don’t mean those flimsy things you can buy in the mall—I mean sturdy, steel-boned, tightlaced, real corsets that create waist reduction and wide expanses of glorious, erm, tracts of land. But I had to stop wearing them even prior to surgery because of my hernia. And then after surgery I figured that I wouldn’t be able to wear them again because, well, I have a physical object wrapped around one of my internal organs.

But I asked my surgeon about it today. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t have much experience with the combination of LAP-Bands and corsetry, but he said I could go ahead and try it. Carefully. And if it’s comfortable, then I can continue to wear corsets. Carefully. If it isn’t comfortable, well, at least I’ll have tried. I can’t tell you how much I miss them.

Obviously none of the corsets I made for myself back in the day will fit me anymore, so I’ll have to wait until my next convention before I can try one on. But that’s not going to be too long of a wait. I intend to go armed with my measurements and find a corset vendor (thank the gods for Steampunk being a Thing these days—there’s almost always at least one corset vendor at any given con with a dealer’s room) and try a corset on. And then…we’ll see. And I’ll keep my fingers crossed. Because if it’s comfortable to try on and hang out in for a few minutes, then I get to start making my own corsets again.

And I cannot wait to see what this new body looks like in a corset. I was frequently assured that the old one was a sight to behold, and I like this one better, so I’m excited. I’ll post an update and possibly a photo or two (if the vendor will allow) once this happens.

For now, off I disappear into the mists of the Internet again until I have something more to say. Thanks for reading!

Status Update #12

PANTS?! What is this craziness of which you speak?

Subtle Shaming

As I’ve discussed previously, I am a big advocate of being body-positive. A friend recently shared “10 Ways We Body Shame Without Realizing It”, which I thought would be good to further disseminate here.

Whether you’ve experienced any of this and couldn’t put your finger on why it made you uncomfortable, or you were raised in an environment wherein which this type of discourse was considered normal, all of these points are good things to be aware of.

Anyone out there have anything they might want to add to this list?

Female Bodies: A Weighty Issue

I’ve been meaning to share this for a while. This relates in a MAJOR way to that whole idea of being body-positive that I’ve been going on about lately. If you haven’t seen this around the internet yet, I highly recommend giving it a read.

shattersnipe: malcontent & rainbows

Hypothesis:

We have, as a society, such a completely disordered, distorted perception of female bodies that the vast majority of people are incapable of recognising what “overweight” actually looks like on a woman, let alone “healthy”. As such, we’re now at a point where women are not only raised to hate their bodies as a matter of course, but are shown, from childhood, a wholly inaccurate picture of what they “should” look like – a narrow, nigh on impossible physical standard they are then punished, both socially and medically, for failing to attain.

I don’t say this lightly. I say it because this is the only conclusion supported by the facts.

Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

1: BMI

Overwhelmingly, the measurement used to determine whether or not someone is a “healthy weight” is the BMI, or Body Mass Index. Most people are still taught it in schools; indeed, it’s…

View original post 1,830 more words

Some Inspiration for Thursday

Before I had bariatric surgery, I despaired of ever losing weight. I was all but resigned to the fact that I would never truly feel attractive again, and never be below 200 pounds again. This was not without trying to lose weight. I joined Curves—twice—went to see a dietitian for nutritional advice, tried portion control…I basically did everything except the really drastic things (like having batriatric surgery)…

…and the right things.

I was flummoxed and despondent. I couldn’t figure out why my efforts weren’t working, when it seemed like they really ought to be. Now I know that, for all it felt like I was putting forth a lot of effort to lose weight in the past, that I still wasn’t doing it right. So today I’m not at all surprised that I wasn’t able to lose weight. This is because of all of the lifestyle changes I’ve had to embrace following surgery. I’ve learned a lot more about good nutrition, and become much more confident that things like healthy eating and portion control actually work. But I’m a bariatric patient. I have a cheat code installed in my guts. What about people who haven’t gone under the knife to lose weight?

A friend of mine shared this today, and I wanted to pass it along as an example of the fact that yes, it is possible to lose weight without taking the cheat code route. To quote the article, “I realized when you’re not dieting but instead changing your entire lifestyle, nothing is really off limits and eating isn’t something to be ashamed of.”.

There really is a right way to go about weight loss (and while that may be different for each individual, there are some basic things like eating healthy, properly portioned meals that are pretty standard). And fad diets and the like are not it. Speaking from experience, it takes real, genuine lifestyle changes—and no, it’s not necessarily easy. But yes, it is totally worth it.

Also, you fucking rock.