Chasing the Wagon

I generally hate the phrase, “falling off the wagon”, but what the hell, we’ll use it this once.

I’m not exactly sure when the fall happened. The way most people talk about it makes it seem like there should have been a definitive moment to which I could point and say, “There–there is where I lost my footing, there is where the positive habits I’d built up were erased”. But I’m finding that it’s not so cut-and-dry. …and yes, it’s entirely possible that that is due to my own denial. Even writing this, I don’t want to admit that I’m as far outside of the scope of what I should be doing as I am. But I am forced to, and, despite not wanting to admit it, I’m happy that I am.

I weigh myself every Saturday. In November–so, three-ish months ago, at this point–I weighed around 164 pounds. This morning, I awoke and climbed on the scale, and discovered I am now back up to 175 pounds. I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself–I’m high-strung to begin with, and am currently working on a project that’s just a little stressful, so I’ve been trying to coach myself to not stress out too much about anything, including things that are weight- and food-related.

But that ends now, at least for anything food-related, anxiety issues be damned. I have not come this far only to backslide. Vigilance is the price I pay for feeling better, both in general, and about myself. I need to not only be aware of my food intake, but I also need to be aware that “vigilance” and “guilt” are not synonymous–it is possible for me to be vigilant without beating myself up for making bad choices.

So now it is time to try and find my way back to those good habits. I (literally, it’s been so long) dusted off my food journal this morning, which I haven’t been using in part due to laziness, and in part because, for some foods, it’s difficult to know how many calories I’m actually ingesting. So, for that latter reason, keeping a food journal seems somewhat pointless. But there is a point to it, I must remind myself, and that point is awareness, conscientiousness, and vigilance.

So no, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I (once again) started caring more about my next fix than my own health. But I can say that as of this morning, I am tired of the excuses and the willful ignorance, and I am no longer going to accept either. There are better ways to deal with stress than food, and there will always be a stressor in my life that makes me want to eat. I accept that fact. But I rebel against the urge to succumb.

My one-year anniversary is this coming Thursday.

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An Article and Other Musings

Happy Thursday, everyone. First, I wanted to share this article, “13 Nutrition Lies That Made The World Sick And Fat“, as I found it very interesting. Obviously one should be careful when getting nutritional advice from the internet, but there are sources linked in this article, which is always comforting. Those of you out there with a nutritionist or dietitian in your life might find the information in this article makes for some interesting (and hopefully informative) conversation. We’ll see what my dietitian has to say about it.

Secondly, I wanted to vent. Sorry if this is TMI, but this month’s cycle sucks for food cravings. I’ve been eating way more junk than I should have, and there are, of course, moments I’m not exactly proud of that have come as a result of this. I am finding, though, that I am able to at least mitigate the guilt and self-hatred by reminding myself that this isn’t something I make a habit out of doing anymore. And really it’s that “anymore” bit that’s the primary mitigating factor. This weakness is temporary, and I am all too aware that it’s almost entirely hormone-induced. There’s stress in the mix, yes, but I think the reason I’m caving in so easily is because of the hormones.

Either way, I’m looking forward to the middle of next week. In the meantime, I’ll just keep rolling this rock uphill…

A Period of Annoyance

Apologies to my male and squeamish readers, but it is now time to talk about ladythings. More specifically, bloody ladythings. Oh yeah. It’s Red Week.

Why am I writing about my period on a weight loss blog? I know there are many ladies out there (and very possibly some men, as well) who understand that more often than not, That Time Of The Month means that it’s time to eat everything in sight. See children, when some ladies’ hormones fluctuate the way they do immediately before, then during, and then immediately after their menses, we get food cravings. I imagine these are akin to what some women feel when they’re pregnant, but having never been pregnant myself, I have no way of knowing.

Regardless, food cravings such as these are especially bad when you already have a problem with food anyway. So why am I writing about my period on my weight loss blog? Because right now I just want to eat, but I can’t. So instead, I decided to vent.

Apart from the food cravings, hormonal fluctuations can bring about changes in mood. I, for example, am feeling a little emotionally crummy today for no apparent reason. …which is also making me want to eat. Actually, I don’t—yet—have any specific food cravings this month, so it’s really mostly just the general emotional side of things being irritating. But the fact that I can’t eat is making me feel a little crummier, which, you guessed it, is making the urge to eat even stronger. Stupid, useless method of self-comfort. Go away.

I did not have to deal with this last month, and I didn’t miss it. Last month I was just out of surgery. I was therefore far too distracted by certain things like being in pain and constantly tired to even think about emotional eating. So this period will be the first (yeah, the damn thing hasn’t even started yet and already it’s fucking with me) since my surgery when I’m not distracted by post-op recovery. Today has been…well, as I said, kinda crummy. Here’s hoping tomorrow will be better.

And guys, be thankful you don’t have to deal with this shit.